So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
