Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
