so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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