I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
