ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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