I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
