I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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