just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
