You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
