I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
