I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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