mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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