I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
