Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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