Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
