u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I can't turn off my feet"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
