Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
