I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
