I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
