yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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