Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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