gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Rumble strips road head = magical
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
