I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
