Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
