apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
