fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
