The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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