he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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