Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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