Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
