I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
