i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
And then he peed in my hair
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