I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
