my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
