see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
