I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
