Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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