She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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