i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize