i don't like sucking hair
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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