The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
