Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
