one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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