Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
