Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
