Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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