We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
