i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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