wanna go halves on a baby?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
