So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
