tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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