I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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