just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We are all done wearing pants today
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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