i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
