my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
