someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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