Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize