I'm lost and stupid without you.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
A+ Viking dick
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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