Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
