My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
