I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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