Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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