my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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