my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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